Japan gears up for war against the ‘Otaku Subculture’; Minister Itsunori Onodera pushes for the reinstatement of Article 007 and use of nuclear warfare

Minister of Defence Itsunori Onodera with JSDF War Hero Miyamoto Mousasi attending the 68th Annual Nihon Summit to push for the reinstatement of Article 007 on June 20, 2019. Photo: Inquirer Global Nation

JAPAN: Defence Minister Itsunori Onodera on Thursday (20th June) has urged members of the cabinet to start taking a stand against the ‘Otaku Subculture’ that has seen a significant increase in popularity throughout the streets of Japan at the 68th Annual Nihon Summit.

“Not only has this culture brought about immense shame to our proud history, it is more than likely the reason why our citizens no longer express interest in procreation,” claimed Mr. Onodera. 

The minister, sharing his concerns with the audience of the summit, proposed that immediate actions should be taken. “We of all people are aware that nuclear weapons are the solution to every problem. We need to learn from history and rely on such power,” Mr. Onodera declared.

Members of the summit consisting of political representative, pseudo scientists and peace-loving conservatives were not too favourable of the idea. Most in fact, disagreed. Opposition claimed that Mr Onodera’s methods were far too radical and questioned his obsession with nuclear weapons.

Yoshinawa Haruhi of the Japan’s People’s Conservative Party (PCP) commented, “Minister Onodera is far too narrow–minded. Instead of bringing about Armageddon to the Otakus, we should instead target the homosexuals given that they have already lost their purpose in the life cycle”. This idea, however, was immediately shut down by members of the summit and Mr Haruhi was kindly escorted out of the hall.

In the entirety of history, Japan had always steered clear of the idea of nuclear force reliance. Article 007 which was proposed as a counter–force against the United States of America during World War II, was first drawn up on 6th August 1945 but later abolished on the 9th of the same month due to foreign induced PTSD. The article permits the production and manipulation of Nuclear warheads should there be a threat deemed worthy of complete annihilation. “The initial fire power of the unleashed nuclear missiles is unimportant, but rather it is the radiation which follows that will truly annihilate all forms of Otaku Subculture”. When questioned, Mr Onodera cited his personal beliefs that the root cause of the Otaku Subculture had most likely originated from residual beta ions of past nuclear radiation exposure. He stated that treatment with alpha radiation ions could most likely reverse these effects.

Professor Sengoku of the Laboratory of Internal Gamma Material Association (LIGMA), who was coincidentally at the Nippon Annual summit added to the scientific relevance of Mr Onodera’s statement.

“Radiation mainly takes the form of three different ionising particles: Alpha, Beta & Gamma. Most commonly found in nuclear weapons, Alpha and Beta ions have very different physical makeups which induces different ionizing effects on the human genome. Exposure to Beta ions (high energy electrons) would tend to render the corpus cavernosum muscle of the male genitalia useless through a complex physiological cascade, making reproduction impossible and hence, proliferate the Otaku Subculture. Exposure to Alpha ions (2 protons & neutrons) on the other hand, may potentially stimulate the antagonistic corpus spongiosum muscle to revitalise the male libido, reverting Otakus back into proper contributing members of society.”

Opinions of the sharing were divided, and many who were once members of the opposition have begun to express interest in the defense minister’s preposition.

“Perhaps Nuclear power is the solution… I mean it had worked against Japan 2 out of 2 times which is effectively a 100% success rate”, shared Minster of State for “Cool Japan” Strategy Takuya Hirai who pleaded to be kept anonymous during the interview.

The summit ended later that day with no further developments. Mr. Onodera stated in a press conference later that night that he does not intend to give up and will deploy the JSDF (Japanese self-defense force) for peaceful negotiations if necessary.

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