Vaccines cause unwanted side effects known as common sense and longer lifespan

Misleading photo to emphasise the severity of vaccine side effects. Photo: Sharon McCutcheon @ Unsplash

A new study by the London College of Medicine has found that vaccines do cause side effects unwanted by anti-vaccine parents. Vaccinated children brought up in a pro-vaccine environment were observed to be more likely to suffer from a longer lifespan and the burden of common sense.

The research published in the Journal of Evidence-based Science showed conclusive evidence that vaccines forced people to survive longer in this wretched and cruel world.

“Vaccinated subjects also tend to have to go through a tortuous process known as college. Non-vaccinated subjects, on the other hand, do not need to,” conceded Professor Rio Neils.

He elaborated further by stating that non-vaccinated subjects did not suffer as much as others due to the following reasons.

1) Non-vaccinated kids, on average, do not survive beyond the age of 20

2) In the event that they do, it is unlikely that their growing environment has equipped them with adequate intelligence to be a functioning adult.

Results in the study also showed that a large majority of vaccinated children and adults believed the ‘misconception’ that the Earth is not flat and climate change exists.

Flat earthers and climate change deniers proclaim this is further proof that vaccines are mind-controlling substances used by governments to subdue the masses. No comments were given on the possibility that round earth and climate change awareness could, in fact, stem from common sense.

“The Flat Earthers Association hope that sheeple will now be convinced of the Big Pharma conspiracy,” said a member from the Flat Earthers Association.

The study has also sparked triumphant cheers in the anti-vaxxer community. A recent check on anti-vaccine subreddit threads and Facebook groups by the VOCALIS team found members rejoicing online about the findings.

“Finally another study apart from Andrew Wakefield’s truth bomb that vindicates our opinions. We now have twice the number of studies to prove our case,” said a spokesperson from the Anti-vaccine Scientific Society (ASS).

“Unlike vaccinated people, we anti-vaxxers get the luxury to be on an express route to meet our Lord and Saviour. Guess who is having the last laugh now?”

It should be noted that the number of active members in these social medium groups have dwindled down to less than 10 in the past few months.

It is currently unclear if this low activity should be attributed to members contracting measles or having to attend the funerals of their unvaccinated children (possibly both).